CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE SERIES | BLOG 02

Why Your Husband Needs Respect More Than You Think

By Brady G. Daniel, MA, LPC-S
Numa Marriage Counseling & Coaching | Southlake, TX | April 2026
counselingatnuma.com | bradygdaniel.com

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." — Ephesians 5:33

This is not a blog about submission. It is not a theology of hierarchy or a defense of patriarchy. It is something far more practical, and in some ways far more challenging: it is an honest look at what your husband needs from you in order to thrive in your marriage, and why the church has largely failed to name it clearly.

The word is respect. And before you put this down, let me say what I mean by it, because the word carries a lot of freight, much of it undeserved. Respect, in the context of marriage, does not mean agreement. It does not mean deference to a husband’s every opinion or silence in the face of his failures. It does not mean you shrink yourself.

It means something both simpler and more demanding: that you treat him as a man of worth, that you honor the dignity of his personhood, that you choose, especially in the moments when it is hardest, not to diminish him. That distinction matters enormously, and it is one most married women have never been given the tools to make.1

In my work with couples at Numa, I have sat across from dozens of husbands who are quietly starving for something they cannot fully name. They are not, for the most part, seeking more affection or more sex or more domestic peace, though those things matter too. They are seeking to feel valued by the person whose valuation matters most to them. They are seeking to feel like they are enough. And when they do not find it at home, the consequences for the marriage are serious and lasting.2

This article is written directly to wives. Not as a corrective, but as an invitation, into a fuller understanding of your husband, and into a more powerful role in the health of your marriage than you may have realized you hold.

What Respect Actually Means

Respect, as I am using the word here, is the consistent communication, through words, tone, body language, and behavior, that your husband is a person of dignity and worth. That his efforts matter. That his perspective has value. That you believe in him, even when, especially when, he has not yet earned it by whatever metric you’re holding.

Researcher and author Emerson Eggerichs, whose foundational work on the respect dynamic in marriage draws on both social science and Scripture, describes what he calls the “Crazy Cycle”: without love, a wife reacts without respect; without respect, a husband reacts without love. The two needs are not identical, but they are equally real, and they are deeply interdependent. When either goes unmet, the cycle accelerates.3

Researcher Shaunti Feldhahn spent years surveying men about their inner lives in marriage and found something that surprised even her: when given a choice between feeling unloved and feeling disrespected, the majority of men chose unloved. Not because love does not matter to them, but because disrespect, the experience of being diminished by your wife, cuts at something even deeper for most men: their sense of identity, competence, and worth.4

This is not a universal law. Men are not monolithic, and some husbands will describe their primary need differently. But for a significant majority of the men sitting in my counseling office, the pattern holds: they are more wounded by their wife’s contempt than by her distance, more devastated by her criticism than by her coldness. And they are more revived by her genuine respect than by almost anything else she could offer.

What the Bible Says About This

Paul’s instruction at the end of Ephesians 5 is pointed and specific. After addressing husbands at length, calling them to a love modeled on Christ’s self-giving sacrifice, he turns to wives with a single, precise command: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, ESV). The Greek word used is phobetai, from phobeo, to honor, to hold in reverence. Paul does not say “feel respect if he earns it.” He says see that you respect him, an act of will, a deliberate orientation, not merely a response to performance.5

This is not unlike what Paul asks of husbands. He does not tell husbands to love their wives if she deserves it. He calls them to love sacrificially, consistently, as an act of covenant faithfulness. The parallel structure is intentional: both commands are demanding, both are unconditional, and both are grounded not in the behavior of the spouse but in the call of God.

Proverbs 31 offers a portrait of a wife of noble character, and one of her defining qualities is this: “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land” (Proverbs 31:23). His standing in the community is not incidental to her character, it is connected to it. The woman described here is formidable, capable, and entrepreneurial. She is also someone whose life builds her husband up rather than tears him down. The two things coexist without contradiction.6

And then there is 1 Peter 3:1–2, which speaks to wives whose husbands are not yet following the Lord: “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” The power Peter attributes to a wife’s respectful conduct is remarkable. He frames it as a force capable of reaching a man’s heart without a single sermon. That is not powerlessness. That is profound influence.7

Five Ways Wives Inadvertently Withdraw Respect

Most wives who diminish their husbands are not doing so intentionally. They are frustrated, unheard, or simply communicating the way they were taught. But the impact lands regardless of the intent. Here are five of the most common patterns I see in the counseling room:

1. Chronic criticism. There is a meaningful difference between raising a concern and criticizing a character. “You always forget” and “You never follow through” are not observations, they are verdicts. Gottman’s research identifies criticism as the first of the Four Horsemen that predict marital breakdown, and it is disproportionately felt by husbands as an attack on their fundamental adequacy.8

2. Contempt (spoken or unspoken). Eye-rolling, sighing, dismissive laughter, or a tone of voice that communicates “I can’t believe I have to deal with this”, these are forms of contempt. Gottman describes contempt as the single most corrosive predictor of divorce. It communicates not just frustration but moral superiority, and no man can feel loved by a woman who looks down on him.9

3. Correcting him in public. Interrupting his story to correct a detail, contradicting him in front of the children, or undermining his decisions publicly, even with the best of intentions, communicate disrespect in front of an audience. The embarrassment compounds the wound. Whatever the issue is, it can wait for a private moment.

4. Mothering instead of partnering. Reminding him of tasks, managing his schedule without invitation, repeating instructions he has already heard, or treating him as though he cannot be trusted to function as an adult, these behaviors, however well-intentioned, communicate that you see him as a child in need of management rather than a man worthy of trust. Over time, he will either comply and resent it, or rebel and you will wonder why.10

5. Withholding affirmation entirely. Some wives are not openly critical, they are simply silent. They never say “I’m proud of you.” They never acknowledge his effort. They assume he knows. He does not. For many men, the absence of expressed admiration from their wife reads not as neutral but as disapproval. Silence, in this context, is not kindness. It is a slow withdrawal.

What Building Respect Actually Looks Like

Respect is not built in grand gestures. Like emotional safety, it is built in the accumulated weight of small, daily choices. Here are four practices that create it over time.

Choose your words, and your tone, with care. The same content delivered with warmth lands entirely differently than when delivered with exasperation. Before you speak, ask yourself: am I trying to be heard, or am I trying to wound? You can bring a hard truth with gentleness. In fact, the hard truths are the ones that require it most.

Affirm him, specifically and genuinely. Not flattery. Not performance. Specific, honest acknowledgment of what he does well. “I saw how hard you worked this week and I want you to know I noticed.” “The way you handled that situation with the kids was exactly right.” “I’m really proud of the man you’re becoming.” These sentences do not cost you much. They mean more to him than you know.11

Trust him to lead, and resist the urge to take over. This does not mean abandoning your voice or your wisdom. It means giving him room to carry responsibility without constantly second-guessing or stepping in front of him. When you let him lead, and then acknowledge that he led well, you are communicating something profound: I believe you are capable. That belief, expressed consistently, changes a man.

Defend him to others. What you say about your husband to your friends, your mother, or your sister shapes the atmosphere of your marriage more than you realize. If your primary outlet for marital frustration is venting to people who love you and will naturally take your side, you are building a case against him, in your own heart, and in theirs. Protect his reputation. Bring the hard things to him, or to a counselor, not to an audience.12

A Word to the Wife Who Feels Like He Has Not Earned It

Some of you are reading this and feeling something close to anger. Because the respect conversation has been used against women, weaponized to demand compliance from wives while husbands did not hold up their end. Because you have been giving and giving, and he has not been showing up the way you need. Because it does not feel fair to be asked for something he has not yet given you reason to offer.

That frustration is legitimate. And I want to be clear: nothing in this article is a call to respect behavior that is harmful, abusive, or destructive. If your husband is abusing you, emotionally, physically, or spiritually, what you need is not a blog about respect. You need safety, and I would urge you to reach out to a counselor or a trusted resource immediately.

But for the majority of wives reading this, married to imperfect, well-meaning, genuinely trying men who are also genuinely failing in some areas, the question is worth sitting with: is it possible that the disrespect he experiences from you is contributing to the very behavior you most want to change in him? Research suggests the answer is often yes. The Crazy Cycle is real. Respect brings about love and love brings about respect. Someone has to go first, and Paul gives that invitation to both spouses simultaneously.13

The respect he needs from you is not contingent on his perfection. It is a gift. And like all the most important gifts in a marriage, it tends to return to you multiplied.

The Marriage You Were Meant to Build

In the first blog in this series, I wrote to husbands about the emotional safety their wives need from them. I asked husbands to move toward their wives with tenderness, presence, and the willingness to be a safe place. This is the companion call, equally demanding, equally transformative.

God designed marriage as a covenant of mutual self-giving. Husbands pouring out sacrificial love. Wives offering genuine, courageous respect. Neither waiting for the other to go first. Both choosing, by an act of will grounded in faith, to offer what the other most needs.

Your husband may not have told you how deeply he needs this. Most men do not have the language for it, and the ones who do are often afraid to say it out loud. But it is there, that quiet hunger to be believed in by the person who knows him best.

You have more power in his life than you may know. Use it well.14

About the Author

Brady G. Daniel, MA, LPC-S is the Owner, Founder, and Director of Numa Marriage Counseling and Coaching in Southlake, Texas. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor with over a decade of experience helping couples heal, reconnect, and build lasting marriages grounded in faith. He is also the author of Unstuck: Healing, Reviving Belief, and Reclaiming Purpose. To schedule a counseling session or learn more, visit counselingatnuma.com or call (817) 381-1672.

Read Blog 01: “Why Your Wife Needs Emotional Safety From You” — available at counselingatnuma.com/blog

Endnotes

1.Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004), 49–52. Eggerichs draws a careful distinction between respect as a response to earned performance and respect as a deliberate orientation of honor toward the person. The latter is what Scripture calls wives to and what research finds most effective in transforming marital dynamics.

2.Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, rev. ed. (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 2013), 22–26. Feldhahn’s survey research found that the vast majority of husbands reported that feeling disrespected by their wives was more painful than feeling unloved, and that the felt sense of a wife’s confidence and admiration was among the most significant drivers of a husband’s emotional and relational engagement.

3.Eggerichs, Love and Respect, 14–18. The “Crazy Cycle” framework — without love, she reacts without respect; without respect, he reacts without love — is Eggerichs’ central diagnostic model, supported by his reading of Ephesians 5:33 and corroborated by Gottman’s findings on negative interaction cycles.

4.Feldhahn, For Women Only, 22. In Feldhahn’s survey, 74% of men said that if they were forced to choose between the two, they would rather feel alone and unloved than feel inadequate and disrespected. This finding was consistent across demographic groups and age ranges.

5.Clinton E. Arnold, Ephesians, Zondervan Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2010), 393–395. Arnold’s grammatical analysis of phobetai in Ephesians 5:33 confirms its active, volitional character: Paul is not describing an emotional response that arises naturally but commanding a deliberate posture of honor that must be chosen. The present tense indicates ongoing, continuous action.

6.Bruce K. Waltke, The Book of Proverbs: Chapters 15–31, New International Commentary on the Old Testament (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2005), 517–521. Waltke notes that the Proverbs 31 woman is presented not as a passive domestic figure but as a capable, economically active leader whose conduct enhances rather than diminishes her husband’s public standing — a portrait that integrates strength and honor without contradiction.

7.1 Peter 3:1–2 (ESV). Peter’s argument is striking in its pragmatic force: a wife’s respectful conduct has the power to reach an unbelieving husband where words cannot. Far from diminishing the wife, this frames her as a primary agent of influence in the marriage, one whose character carries persuasive weight that no argument can match.

8.John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Harmony Books, 1999), 27–29. Gottman identifies criticism — defined as an attack on a partner’s character rather than a complaint about specific behavior — as the first of the Four Horsemen predictive of marital dissolution, and notes that it is experienced most acutely by husbands as an assault on their fundamental competence.

9.Gottman and Silver, The Seven Principles, 29–32. Contempt, the second of the Four Horsemen, is distinguished from criticism by its communication of moral superiority — the sense that one partner is fundamentally beneath the other. Gottman’s longitudinal research found contempt to be the single strongest predictor of divorce, more so than any other negative interaction pattern.

10.Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (New York: Broadway Books, 2007), 87–90. Love and Stosny describe the phenomenon of “overfunction” in wives — taking on management and oversight roles that communicate, however unintentionally, that the husband cannot be trusted to function adequately. This pattern, they argue, tends to produce shame in husbands and resentment in wives, and accelerates disconnection.

11.Feldhahn, For Women Only, 97–101. Feldhahn’s research found that specific, genuine affirmation from a wife — particularly acknowledgment of effort and character — had a measurably positive effect on a husband’s confidence, relational engagement, and willingness to be vulnerable. Flattery was not effective; specificity was.

12.Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000), 143–146. Thomas argues that the practice of speaking well of a spouse — and choosing not to build a case against them with outside allies — is a form of marital faithfulness that protects both the relationship and the speaker’s own heart from the corrosive effects of sustained criticism.

13.Eggerichs, Love and Respect, 21–24. The interdependence of the love and respect dynamic means, practically, that change in either direction tends to produce change in the other. A wife who chooses to extend unconditional respect, even in the absence of the love she most desires, often catalyzes a shift in her husband’s behavior in ways that direct confrontation cannot achieve.

14.Proverbs 18:21 (ESV): “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” The influence a wife holds through her words — for building up or tearing down — is not incidental. Scripture frames it as a matter of life and death. The wife who wields that power wisely becomes, in the fullest sense, a woman of noble character.

Numa, LLC | Numa Marriage Counseling & Coaching | 231 E Southlake Blvd #140, Southlake TX 76092 | (817) 381-1672 |
counselingatnuma.com | bradygdaniel.com

Christian Marriage Series|Blog 02|March 2026